Many women long for a partner to spend their lives with. Unfortunately, women often find themselves with a controlling partner. If you happen to find yourself with someone who you think is controlling, here is your guide to learn the signs, along with ten tips to learn how to deal with a controlling person.
Characteristics of a Controlling Person
What makes a person controlling? Usually, they have some, if not all of these traits:
- Manipulative
- Coercive
- Threatening
- Intimidating
- Concerned about themselves
- Exaggerate
- Jealous
- Immature
These are just a few characteristics a controlling person might have. Take note of which ones your partner has. They don’t have to act this way all the time, but often enough, these traits will pop up in your relationship.
It is important to note that an abusive partner is a bit different from a controlling partner. Some controlling partners are abusive, but there are a few distinctions.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a person is considered abusive if they force someone into doing what they want with their behaviors. These behaviors can include:
- Physical abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Financial abuse
- Sexual coercion
If your partner displays these characteristics or behaviors, get help immediately.
10. Signs You Are With a Controlling Person
There are many signs that you are with a controlling person. Here are just ten signs to watch out for.
1. Always Checking on you
A controlling partner will always demand to know where you are at. You cannot go anywhere without them knowing. Not only will they always check in, but they will often dictate where you can go and when. They might even stop you from seeing your friends or families. They want to weaken your support system, so you only rely on them.
2. Jealousy
You might find that your partner is overly jealous. They might try to control you by always accusing you of cheating. You might find they also constantly check your social media and phone to know where you were, who you were talking to, and why.
Controlling people do not want to see how happy you or anyone else is. They thrive on being jealous and finding ways to tear others down when they aren’t getting enough attention.
3. Dictate Your Clothes, Food, and Drinks
While they might try to dictate everything in your life, it will even go to the very basics. You can’t wear what you want. They will take away even the smallest agency or choice you have. They will order your food and won’t let you pick out the meals. You can only drink a glass of wine when they say so.
4. Controls Your Finances
Even if you have separate bank accounts, your controlling partner will find a way to access your money. It may be by making you feel guilty for wanting to buy something. They may even criticize you in a new outfit so that you don’t buy it.
5. Destroys Confidence
Like mentioned earlier, controlling partners don’t like to see you happy, especially if it isn’t because of them. So, they will destroy your confidence. The more you can rely on them, the better, in their opinion.
6. Threats
There are many types of threats a controlling person might give you at different times. They can threaten you and themselves. These threats can range from claiming they will hurt themselves to threatening to take away things you love. Threats may start small and slowly get bigger and more intense.
7. Focus on themselves
They don’t want to see you happy because they are so focused on themselves. A controlling partner won’t be able to see your point of view either. No matter how wrong they might be, they will turn it on you somehow. These people will only see their side and don’t care about your feelings.
8. Conditional Love
While they might say they love you, it is typically with a set of conditions. You might see something along the lines of:
- “I will lose you if you lose more weight.”
- “I love you when you cook dinner every night.”
- “If you cleaned the car more often, I would love you so much.”
They will always want you to do something before they show their appreciation or love [source].
9. Creating Debt To You
A controlling person will usually buy you fancy, expensive things. They will take you out for a nice dinner and even spoil you. You might feel so loved by all the things you are getting from them.
However, this often means they are making you indebted to them. They will keep a running track record of everything they gave you and make you return it to them somehow, usually with things you don’t want to do.
10. Belittling You
You might feel belittled during this relationship. You won’t get many compliments, but rather a criticism after criticism. It can also be by not respecting your choices, often weakening you.
This can be a form of making you drink three glasses of wine when you only wanted one. Usually, they want to weaken you, so they have more power over you.
Why are These People Controlling?
There are many possible reasons why a person is controlling. It can be rooted in the way they were raised and the environment they were in growing up. Often a person controls things out of anxiety. They worry if they don’t control everything, things may go wrong.
Another cause could be to assert their dominance. They want to seem more powerful than anyone else. This can also fall back on how they were raised and past traumas as well. It also takes on the form of low self-esteem and insecurities.
Some people who control things may also have personality disorders. These people might be narcissistic or deal with borderline personality disorder [source].
10 Tips to Handling a Controlling Person
Now that you know the signs and characteristics of a controlling partner, now what? Here are ten tips for handling a controlling person and how to move forward.
1. Recognize the controlling actions
One of the most important steps is learning to recognize the patterns of controlling behaviors. Watch the relationship and your partner and begin to notice how they do control you.
2. Learn the reason why for their behavior
Oftentimes when we learn the reasons why someone is acting a certain way, we have more compassion and can help them better. Understanding that your partner has severe anxiety can help you address the controlling behaviors a lot easier, for instance.
3. Learn triggers
Sometimes, something as simple as “what do you want to eat tonight?” can be a trigger for a controlling person. Be aware of what makes your partner begin to control things. This will help you see if this can be avoided.
4. Set boundaries
If you want to stay in the relationship, you must set boundaries. Setting boundaries helps you in every relationship, but it is crucial for a controlling person. It may start out small such as allowing you to pick out your clothes. Gradually more and more boundaries can be put into place [source].
5. Create a safety plan
Make sure you have a safety plan. Find people who will support you. You also need to plan in case things get severe. Include a place you can stay to be physically safe, as well as emotionally.
6. Don’t debate
Sometimes it makes things worse to debate with your partner. Instead, simply keep quiet. This does not mean you let them hurt you or destroy you, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you are wrong. This helps prevent things from getting worse. When everything has calmed down is the best time to talk it through.
7. Seek help
Make sure you have a support network. This can be friends and family members. Make sure they will only support you and take care of your needs. This will help you when things are tough.
8. Self-care
Self-care is crucial, especially if your partner is not giving you what you need. Make sure to take time for yourself daily if you can. If not daily, at least weekly. Do things you love simply relax. This will help you help your partner more [source].
9. Don’t give up
Whatever you do, stay consistent. But also give yourself grace. If you plan to leave, don’t leave, and then come back and repeat the cycle. Consistent efforts will help things change or will allow you to get into a safer place.
10. Don’t believe the lie
Often controlling people will claim you are the problem, when in fact, it is them. They will make it seem like they are the victim of your behaviors. That is not the case. You are not the problem. Do not believe that lie [source].